misery loves company

It feels like so long ago that we said goodbye for the last time. It felt so final this time. Like I could actually see in your eyes that you weren’t coming back. I saw you smile and I laughed too. Just two people who can’t get rid of each other no matter how many times they part ways.

“Don’t make a scene in front of the neighbors,” I joked.

You laughed and swung your box around as you walked away to your car. And you disappeared.

I fought so hard to keep you, yet everything got better for me when you left. And I resent you for that. For coming back when you knew you didn’t really love me. For giving just enough to keep me with you.

I would go as far as to say I’ve never been happier. But I still grieve the time I spent being miserable with you. I don’t miss you; I just can’t let go of what I missed out on. And what did I even learn from all of it? Shouldn’t the first few years be enough? Didn’t we get what we needed long before it ended?

I don’t miss being twenty-somethings fighting in the grocery store, crying in the bathroom, finding her lipstick in your car, getting a “goodnight I cheated on you” phone call.

But you were my favorite, just come home and it’ll be ok, you’re leaving again but everything is fine.

I’m sorry for how I left things, why won’t you stop crying, just calm down, fine I’ll come over but this is the last time.

You’re acting weird, why can’t I come with you, where were you, why didn’t you answer your phone

No one knows me like you do. No one understands what we have. We’re inseparable. We’re meant to be together. We just get each other.

Now I’m lying in the grass and feeling the sun on my face, wondering why I ignored the world for you. Wondering what I saw in you that was more valuable than this. Wondering why people who are awful for each other hold on for so long with no end in sight. Love looked so ugly on us.