say this, not that.
How do you comfort someone who is going through a rough time?
It can be difficult to know what to say when a friend comes to you for comfort. Often times, a friend is not looking for advice or a solution; they might just want you to listen and be there for them. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, our words might be unhelpful and invalidating to the person we are trying to help.
Here is a mini guide on what not to say and what you might want to say instead.
What not to say:
“Other people have it so much worse than you.”
Knowing that there is worse pain doesn’t make your own pain hurt any less. When you tell someone that others are worse off, you probably think you are helping to change their perspective and making them feel better about their situation. But the truth is, you are invalidating their pain and bringing guilt upon them for something they cannot control. When it comes to emotional distress, we cannot simply flip a switch and turn it off. In the case of mental illness such as anxiety and depression, it is difficult to cope when the cause is unknown. Chemical reactions that cause our emotions to change are out of our control and can happen at any moment without any apparent reason. This can be extremely frustrating and no one should have to feel guilty on top of that.
“Cheer up!”
This is a common one that frustrates many people who struggle with mental illness. Although it is a seemingly positive thing to say, it brings a sense of hopelessness to the recipient of these words. It sounds like such a simple solution, but it’s out of reach. Of course, all you have to do to feel better is cheer up, but in reality it’s not simple at all. When it comes to our emotions, it is often better to ride it out than to fight it. Acknowledging your emotions and choosing to accept them for what they are is the first step to making it through a rough time. When you tell someone to cheer up, you are unintentionally encouraging them to suppress their emotions which will do them more harm than good. Allow them to feel what they feel, accept and validate those emotions so that they can begin the healing process.
“You have no reason to be sad.” or “Happiness is a choice.”
This is one I have been told many times and each time is more upsetting than the last. Of course none of us want to be sad, but it isn’t our choice at all. Mental illness is often a roller coaster of emotions that come and go for different durations of time. Sometimes a depressive episode can last for days, weeks, months and even years. Every emotion has a cause whether it’s chemical or situational. Depression can root from the chemical aspect in the brain or can be triggered by an emotional event in our lives. Whether it’s loss, rejection or a culmination of events that have been sitting under the surface, every type of pain is valid. So while at times there seems to be no reason on the surface, there is always a root cause and no one should be led to believe their pain is not real or valid.
Say this instead:
“I know it’s not easy, but I’m here for you.”
Although it seems so simple, it really means a lot to hear someone say they support you and care for you. Kindness is powerful and even the smallest of gestures can mean so much. As I mentioned before, sometimes a friend is not looking for advice or a solution to their problem, but rather, they are seeking comfort from someone who cares for them. So while you might think you have nothing to offer, your presence and company is even better than any advice you could give.
“Don’t lose hope. You will get through this.”
Whatever hardship or trauma they are experiencing, it is important to remind your loved one or friend that they will make it through. Let them know that you will be there with them the whole way through. It might sound cheesy, but it’s extremely important to remind them that this pain is only temporary. Traumatic experiences often result in depression that feels like it might never end. This deep depression and hopelessness can lead to suicide because it feels like there is no possible way to escape the pain. Remind your friend that they are loved, appreciated and valued by the people in their life.
“Do you want to talk through it, or would you rather try to distract yourself for now?”
I always appreciate a friend who asks me how I want to cope. It helps to get your mind off things for a while and just enjoy some quality time with a friend. When I am going through a rough time, my friends and I usually go have dinner at one of our favorite restaurants or have a night in with pizza and beer. Other times, you might be ready to talk about what’s going on and get all your thoughts and feelings out. Having a long conversation with a friend or loved one can really help you heal from a traumatic experience. There are many ways to cope and everyone is different, so whether your friend is ready to confide in you or not, it helps to offer them options.
These are just a few ways to talk to someone who needs your comfort and support. Changing the language we use can help so much in making others feel validated and loved. I hope this mini guide helped to give you some ideas on how to react when someone in your life is going through hard times. Thanks for reading, xo.
