Depression Diaries #1
Do you remember when you were a young child and your mom or dad would hold your hand when you crossed the street?
Sometimes, I still need that. I think a lot of us have those moments where we just need someone to hold our hand and make us feel safe.
For most of my posts so far, I’ve tried to keep it light and focus more on my tips and tools for dealing with mental illness. But I want you to know that there are so many days where depression and anxiety win, and that’s normal, especially for people who struggle with their mental health. We might learn all these cool techniques for coping, but we don’t always have the strength to even try.
I’m starting something new today. I want to share more story-oriented/diary entries with you. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you won’t feel so alone. Maybe you can just escape your own life for a while. I thought of this idea because I’ve found myself listening to podcasts and watching story-time videos on YouTube as a method of coping with my depression. So it’s about to get real, it’s about to get a little personal and it might even get a little dark. Disclaimer: if you’re triggered by things of this nature, I would not recommend you read this post.
It’s a Thursday morning in September and my world is upside down. I’m sitting on my bedroom floor, hugging a pillow and crying like hell. I feel like hell. I’m trying to replay the conversation over in my head, but I can’t get my thoughts straight. Waves of intense anxiety are inducing nausea and I can’t hold it back. I run to the bathroom and vomit into the toilet. My least favorite activity. Fast forward a couple hours, and I’m sitting in the ER getting checked in for non-stop vomiting. There are at least 3 people taking care of me and making sure I’m okay. I lay in the hospital bed, IV in my arm and drift into half-sleep. I feel calm and like the outside world doesn’t exist. I never want to leave.
“Have you experienced suicidal thoughts in the past week?”
The nurse’s questions drag me back to reality. I answer truthfully.
“Yes.”
“Is there anything specific going on that triggered these thoughts?”
I lie, because I’m not ready to talk about it. Even the thought of saying it out loud terrifies me.
“No, I just have bipolar so it happens from time to time.”
No big deal. I just contemplate taking my own life sometimes, who cares?
“Well, I hope you don’t have any of those thoughts while you’re here. We just want you to feel better.”
Ever since then, I’ve been constantly longing for that comfort of knowing that someone is taking care of me. I went from being inseparable with someone to being perpetually alone. From falling asleep and waking up with someone every single day to waking up alone and momentarily confused until the harsh reality settles over me. From eating every meal with someone to eating all my meals, which are few and far between lately, completely alone. I felt like I was being ripped away from all that I knew and thrown into this new and scary place. And people will tell you that it gets easier, but I don’t want it to get easier, I just want it to stop.
A loss is hard on anyone, but when you mix in anxiety and depression, it’s not just painful; it’s debilitating. It makes everyday tasks a challenge and just getting out of bed is a victory at that point. Taking a shower? Extra points. Leaving the house? Gold medal, for sure.
Now it’s mid-November and I’m trying to find myself again. Not all the days are bad, in fact, I’ve had some really great progress. The nights are always the biggest challenge, as they typically are with depression.
If any of this sounds over-exaggerated or just hella dramatic to you, count yourself lucky. Because for so many people, this is a reality. If you have a friend come to you with depressed thoughts, don’t tell them, “it could be worse,” or “you just need to get over it.” What they really need is comfort and care. They need someone to hold their hand when they cross the street.
If you’re reading this and are going through a dark time, please reach out to someone. You don’t have to do this alone. You can even reach out to me via the button below this post and I will be there for you. Thanks for reading, xo.
Additional resources:
Looking for a therapist? Psychology Today is how I found mine. Filter by your zip code, insurance and other criteria you need.
More urgent? The National Suicide Hotline is a 24/7 resource you can use if you need immediate support. I recommend you save this phone number in your phone, just in case: 1-800-273-8255
